Yesterday I was down in the dumps. I was sick, I was disappointed in myself, I thought I was a failure, and I cried. I was hoping that after crying it out, talking to my momma, talking to my roommate, blowing my nose and eating some pumpkin bread I would get this negativity out of my system but I didn't. It just didn't go away. This morning I woke up, sore throat and all, and the first thing I thought of was the reasons I thought myself a failure.
My loving friends and family assure me that I am not a failure. They ask me 'Do you know you are not a failure' and I always sniffle 'Yes' but I just can't seem to shake the feeling. What I am beating myself up over is adiaphora, but I seem to take it as a personal attack against me. I took this event personally when I don't think it was meant as a personal insult at all. Even with me being aware of all of this my feelings of self worth have not changed. I am still thinking the same thoughts, beating myself up about all the things I do wrong, even blaming myself for my sore throat and stuffy nose!
I know this is not going to help my Thursday but I was stuck. I read the verse of the day and the devotion of the day from the links on my blog in hope of some words of wisdom; a devotion catered to my needs at the present time, my way of viewing God speaking directly to me, telling me to get my act together, stop moping and start praising him; but no such luck this time. The devotion was good, no doubt about it, but it did not speak to me like I wanted it to. Once again, in my self inflicted misery I took this as a personal attack from God, saying to myself 'self, even God doesn't think your worth helping'.
With this awful mindset I made the rounds of the blogs I look at everyday;
TheWiegands, The AZ Russums,
I Am Along for the Ride, when I came across a link to this post:
http://www.holleygerth.com/heart-to-heart-with-holley/2011/11/4/a-little-way-to-have-a-better-day.html
Please read it, it made me realize that it was not God who wasn't helping me, it was me refusing God's help. So, with this new mindset in place I am going to strive to have a wonderful day. Am I now happy and filled with joy? No, I feel about the same as I did when I started writing this post, but I now know that the only way for me to stop thinking I am a failure is for me to prove to myself I am not, and sitting around moping about the past is not helping me convince myself. I also know that "I can do all things through him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13.
To begin to change my mind frame I will make a list of what I am thankful for while blasting good ole German hymns.
I am thankful for . . .
- The Bible, because without it I would not have a chance of getting out of this slump - along with the law, the gospel, Jesus, his death and Resurrection, salvation; you know, all the other good stuff that comes with the Bible!
- My momma
- My supportive, caring, incredibly smart roommate - who listens to me even when I am quite boring, or whiny, or repetitive, or silly
- The many warm blankets I have piled up on my bed
- Antibiotics
- Cowboy boots
- Bible study and the pastor that leads it
- Hot Tea
- Soup
- Devotionals
- My brothers and sisters in Christ
- Socks
- . . . and the list goes on and on
Have a sparkling day,
Felicity
