A lot of I

When I'm feeling low I immediately shut down and crawl inside myself to examine everything that happened in the past; to tear it apart, analyze it, find every possible detail that I can use to blame myself for whatever it is that makes me want to punch a wall, cry hysterically, and crawl into bed forever simultaneously.  No matter what the situation is, even if I blame others on the outside, inside I am tearing myself apart, breaking apart all of my self-esteem in order to give myself 'what I really deserve'.  In this way I punish myself.  Even as I write this all I can think about are the times I could have done something, but didn't.

There are at least two things wrong with this mind frame.

1. I have not yet prayed - not once
2. I am not the judge

Yes, I messed up, no doubt about it.  Is it entirely my fault - no.  Is some of it my fault - of course.  Does this change the way God sees me - no.  This is the point where I need to remember my priorities.  I am a child of God, created by Him and placed her on this earth to worship Him - "but for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth" -Exodus 9:16.  So now I must pray, I must cast my worries and cares on Him because He cares for me.

What I have done is in the past.  It is over.  It cannot be changed.  What I do going forward however is a different story.  Instead of stewing over what has happened in the past and judging myself severely because of it, all I am doing is wasting time.  What I am beating myself up over is nothing serious in the grand scheme of things - it could have happened to anyone - it has!  It has happened to friends and neighbors and family and I thought nothing of it because it made no difference to me - I loved them the same, I cherished them the same, I did not think any less of them, I did not judge them, I did not get angry or sad or happy or anything because it was adiaphora.  I was empathetic because I saw it affected them, but it in no way deserved punishment or judgement.  So why do I find the need to punish myself?  Am I supposed to be held to a higher standard than everyone else, am I better in some way?  Certainly not.  I find the need to punish myself because I think the situation was entirely dependent on me, my actions, my effort, my attitude (and this idea is not true in the slightest - many more people than just me were integral in the outcome).  I think I know everything, but I don't.  God does know all though.  God is the judge, God has the knowledge, the right, and the authority to make that call - I do not.

I thank God for the people in my life who love me, who fight for me, who care about me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" -Jeremiah 29:11

I guess that was a little bit of my prayer,

Felicity