Friday, March 7, 2014

Well, Well, Well

Hey y'all,

It has been a long time since I have posted anything, in fact over a year!  This blog is not about followers or readers or getting a product out there, it is my escape from loneliness.  Having a computer screen that is always bright and white, willing to listen to me say whatever I want about any topic is comforting to me.  Sometimes I need it and sometimes I don't.  For a little over a year I didn't need it apparently, or I found solace in something else, but now I turn to Felicity for an open ear.

I spend a lot of time sick.  I am not ill I am not dying I just have a crummy immune system and seem to end up in bed with a cold or a flu bug every other weekend.  If its not one thing it's something else.  The weather will warm up and I will twist my ankle the first nice weekend and end up back in bed, stuck, alone, cooped up, bored, yearning to be moving, talking, laughing, yet idle and downtrodden.  I get stuck in my conceited cycle of  self-loathing and personal pity party.

Over the past four weeks the seemingly bed-ridden state of my life has really gotten me down.  I have been glued to Pinterest, livign vicariously through everyone who can go outside and run, who can go in their garden and plant, who can grace their garage and DIY with pleasure.  I have used the inspirations of the pins to promote me to work toward a better lifestyle.  To strive for a healthy weight, a healthy plate, and a strong immune system to fight of illness and grant me a true 'life'. 

My sewing machine is sitting idle as I focus to regain health.  The focus of this blog will shift for a bit.  My dreams and goals for the future will dominate while successful completed projects will take a back-burner for a while.  Previous projects that i have done will pop-up in retrospective posts of course but new material from my hands is few and far between.

I know my life is no more busy or difficult or challenging than any of yours.  In fact it may often be less so, but to each his own struggles and right now, this is mine.


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The End

The pageant was over and I ws SO grateful.  My feet felt as if they would never be flat again; they hurt so bad being shoved into heels for 10 hours.  I descend from the stage and enter the mob of people gathered around it to find 3 wonderful friends there to greet me with hugs and smiles and flowers.  It was my favorite part.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Birthday

Hey y'all guess what?  Today is Arizona's Birthday.  Oh, also, it's valentines day for those who didn't know (jk)!

On this day be kind, share a smile, give a compliment, help your neighbor, be polite and love the Lord your God with all of your heart.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Family Heirlooms

It was time for the gown.  The pageant had an intermission so it was the first costume change that wasn't rushed.  I took my time changing into the purple velvet and silk Oscar de la Renta gown that was once worn by my mother.  It was a beautiful deep purple and oh so classy.  I was not done-up like the other girls in sparkly, showy gowns with huge slits up the sides but I was beautiful and i knew it.   I felt like a princess.

After showing the crowd the evening gowns it was time for the onstage question.  I was asked a question about my platform.  I said I would continue to write letters to soldiers over seas and told the audience where they could get involved  I was then asked my opinion on SOPA and PIPA.  I used the first amendment to defend my answer.  My momma was thrilled.  I was proud for standing my ground in an environment where they questions were asked in a biased way and you knew what answer the judges wanted but I did not waver.  I gave it to them straight and smiled the whole time.

Obviously I didn't win the pageant.  I did win the swimsuit portion.  That made me laugh out loud.  I learned a lot about being in pageants.  I learned a lot about the purpose pageants serve for the people in them.

Pageants are pointless.  They hurt self-esteem, they make you feel that the plain old you is not beautiful, they make you cry when six strangers say that you are not the winner.  Who cares what they say.  Who cares what the world says.  I am beautiful just as I am because I am God's creation.  I am His temple and I do not need to adorn myself with material goods to make that so.

With that being said, it wouldn't kill me to put just a little make-up on once in a while!


Friday, February 10, 2012

The Talent

The hard part was over.  I ran down to the dressing room and literally ripped by swimsuit off of my body.  It was at the pageant that I was introduced to butt glue.  Yes, that's right.  I glued my swimsuit to my butt so I wouldn't get a wedgie on stage.  I might be missing some skin down there because it stuck to my swimsuit . . . TMI.

Anyway, swimsuit off talent dress on.  Pantyhose on.  Different shoes on.  Put flute together.  Grab music, run to stage.  Walk onto stage composed.  Pretend I am not out of breath.  Raise the flute to my chin.  Escape into a world of bliss.

For the first time Saturday I felt comfortable.  I was dressed in a beautiful gown I wore when I was sixteen for All-state auditions, I had my glasses on for the first time all day and could see what was going on, and I was playing music I knew like the back of my hand.  It felt so soothing to escape into the melody, feel the cool silver of my flute and the warmth of my breath as it escaped through the keys.  I was performing and I was beautiful and I was calm.  I could have stayed on that stage and played all night.


Thursday, February 9, 2012


The swimsuit is the most demoralizing part of the pageant in my mind.  Girls and women parading around a stage scantily clad so a panel of judges can examine your body and determine if you are what they deem 'beautiful'.  All the questions going through my head were being said by the other girls as we got ready.  'Am I thin enough?' "Did I eat to much for lunch today?' "Do I look bloated?' 'Are my legs too jiggly?'  I think this is absurd!  These girls are between 17 and 24 and are incredibly thin; of course you look beautiful, of course you are thin enough if not too thin, of course you did NOT eat enough for lunch, of course you don't look bloated, if anything you look anorexic, and finally Yes, your legs jiggle because you are human and if they didn't you'd be DEAD!  It makes me so mad that society does this to people, having this unhealthy image of what you should look like, and having pageants where strangers who have no bearing what soever in your life judge you based on how close you are to looking like Barbie yet I am just as affected by this as every single other girl that was backstage with me.

One girl said she spoke to her dad about how he felt about her strutting her stuff in a swimsuit on stage and her dad told her 'you worked hard for that body, flaunt it!'.  It made me sick.  Flaunt your body?  Your dad wants you to dress and behave in a sexually provocative way on stage in front of tons of people?  I just want to give that girl a hug and tell her that she is beautiful and that she doesn't need to flaunt her body to get attention or love or recognition or self-confidence or whatever it is that she is seeking in competing in pageants week in and week out.

Anyway, enough of my pedestal.  Please let your daughters know they are loved, they are beautiful, that modesty does not diminish their beauty or popularity but adds to it.  Modesty gives them mystery.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Game Day

Saturday, 6:30 am, the morning of the pageant.  I am up, showering, make-up-ing, getting dressed and packing.  Off to the hair dressers I go where a wonderful stylist Melanie curled my hair!  My hair held all night and looked great!

I arrive at the location of the pageant at 10:30.  I put on more make-up (I didn't know that was possible) get dressed for my interview and stand in front of a panel of judges as they ask me questions about my platform of Operation Gratitude, my resume, and political questions to see where I stand on current events and apparently determine my political leaning before the night begins to biased-ly decide if I have the opinions they want Miss Tucson to have.

Once all of the girls have interviewed we begin rehearsal where we learn the opening number, practice walking patterns and each get a crack or two of performing our talent on stage.

Before I know it it is half an hour until the show begins.  I put on EVEN MORE MAKE-UP, get changed into my opening number outfit (I am dressed like Sandy from the last song in Grease).  The girls and I walk up the ramp to the stage and make our first appearance to the audience.  After saying our name, our school, and our platform we literally run from the stage to our dressing room and change into our swimsuit.